Okay, it is time to come clean about something – and I wish it were something light like “I actually can’t touch my toes” or “my best friend is a dog;” but that just isn’t the case… this is slightly more serious…
I’m recovering from anorexia.
There. I said it. Am I better? Can I think my way out of this disorder from here on out, now that people know and I’ve owned up to my problem? If that were the case then these past couple months would have been a breeze.
It has been about a month since I acknowledged my eating disorder, and I am now just beginning to slow down and truly focus on improving my health and recovering. Why I didn’t get help sooner (after all – I’ve struggled with this for quite some time now)? It’s hard to say, but I would most likely blame the denial component of anorexia that is so strong. To tell you the honest truth, there never really was a point in which I was like “wow – I have an eating disorder this is terrible!” Instead, the last year and a half has been filled with red flags and panic attacks. Not to mention weight loss, depression, and social withdraw. I wish it ended there, but I still had some denial left in me, so I tried to continue to think my way through my eating disorder… and then my blood draws came back abnormal. And then my vitals were no longer normal. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t laugh with my friends out of a pure lack of energy. Enough said, I have an eating disorder, and I wish it hadn’t taken all these signals to get me to admit it.
I do not think that this disorder makes me any less of a great person, nor does it take away from my capabilities as a yoga instructor – it just calls for an evaluation of my priorities, and extra time spent improving my mental (and physical, in a way) health.
I am scared. I am confused. I have values that I preach and need to do a better job practicing. All these things I am sure of, and one other; I am perfectly imperfect. I am a young yogini, with an eating disorder, learning something new each day and practicing yoga now in a new way. Right now, yoga (and life in general) has really become about uniting my body and mind – and finding my authentic self!.
I will fight this battle, and I will win.